New Year, Same Same but Different


Go on, admit it. The new year is coming and you have this fuzzy feeling all over you of how things are going to change and be different come the 1st January. It happens every year. You get all “yeah! I’m going to quit my job, go work with orphans in the third world and make a difference next year!” or “OMG yesss it’s a NEW ME next year, guys! I’m going to be fitter and greener and let my armpit hair grow out so everyone will know I’m a hippie now”.

Yep, it’s guaranteed to hit you at some point which means it’s hitting your friends and people you follow on social media right now too. So what can you expect over the next few days?

Number 1: The “New Year New Me” dingbat

Can’t begin to explain how many of these people are going to be in your face on New Year’s Day. Ugh you just wait… there’ll be the predictable girl banging on about how she’s not going to get caught up in all the social bitchiness next year or the one who is going to make a complete transformation in the first week so you’ll see loads of snaps of them at the gym with a face full of make-up (and no sweat?) #fitspiration #toteslovemynewyearbod

Ooooh what about the one who’s going to sign up for every creative course under the sun and going to start an online store selling shoes for caterpillars or something ridiculous. Not saying people can’t change or want to better themselves but you are still you and the clock ticking over at midnight doesn’t automatically mean you can change overnight. It takes time to become Mother Teresa, I should know. Go ahead and do your course, let me know when you’re proficient in ice sculpting.

Number 2: The Inspirational Quote fiend

This is a big one. There’s going to be stacks of these bitches flying around. You’re gonna be so damn inspired by them that you’re goingto want to go out, buy a journal and get all arty farty and write down all your hopes and dreams for the new year. You’re going to want to set goals and be ambitious and be all like “yeah! I CAN have my dream job and still afford to pay my mortgage”. This is a trap. Be realistic, people. You can’t go and work with monkeys in the jungle and still take part in the high life (unless, of course, you’re a multi-millionaire who doesn’t have to work, then heck yes! Go forth to the jungle and buy me a monkey!) Just sit tight and soon you’ll see through all the inspiration fog and realise that it’s just the smoke from your car bombing out on the side of the road again #reallifecalling.

Number 3: The “I’m seriously getting my shit together this year” 23 year-old

You know the one? The girl who’s barely out of training wheels and is all like “OMG guys I just really need to sort my life out. I can’t believe I’m not the CEO of a company yet. How can this be possible?! MY LIFE IS AWFUL!”. The one who thinks they’re going to have the career and the husband and the babies by the time they’re 25. Kudos to you for being a go-getter but honey, life doesn’t always work out like that. Just chill the fuck out, go do some shots and travel the world. Life is fun and unpredictable.

Number 4: The New-Age Hippie who is all of a sudden vegetarian and just can’t even deal with cows

How can you even think about eating meat in 2016, you monster! Followed by pictures of cute little pigs or lambs frolicking in the fields. If you don’t have one of these people in your group of friends/social media feed yet, then I highly recommend finding one purely for amusement. It’s fun to see them get worked up over hippie stuff like benefits of home made deodorant or what needs saving more: the whales or John Butler’s band. Each to their own, everyone has their right to be who they want to be. But the change in persona can happen without notice so be prepared and make sure you have a compliments ready for their new tie dyed outfits along with a joint sparked to enhance the experience.

Number 5: The “I’m going to make every day count” life cheerleader

This person is one to keep at arms-length. You don’t want to rain on their parade nor do you want to encourage a barrage of over-enthusiastic posts. They are known for over posting and are just so excited for LIFE and will quite happily tell you everything about their day, including multiple meal posts, outfit choosing and even a jaunty trip to the toilet. A cheerleader can turn on you in an instance so my advice would be to play your cards right and only like every third post they put up. Any more than that and you’ll be encouraging even more detailed bathroom visits.

Number 6: The “my life this year was just plain awful… so watch me kill it next year!!!” warrior

These people are going to put those posts up about how much went wrong this year and how next year is going to be super awesome. Yay for you being all #positive. Newsflash to these people: your life isn’t awful. It really isn’t. Sure we all have bad days where things don’t work out or people piss us off or your cat just won’t stop vomiting on your favourite cushion but hey, life isn’t that bad. It’s not all meant to be smooth sailing. And I don’t even like sailing. So you had a few bad days, meh it’s alright, you’ll get through it princess.

Just remember that there’s always someone out there that’s wishing they had half the things you do. If you’ve got a roof over your head, daily meals, a job (which allows you to pay for the device that you are currently using to post on social media), family and your health then I reckon your year wasn’t so bad. Of course you must take the time to relive the year that was and try to not make the same shitty mistakes like dating dickheads again any time soon, but also be grateful that you have what a lot of people don’t have.

And maybe think about making a difference to someone else’s life next year and make their year their best ever.


NB: This post is written in good natured fun. No animals were harmed in making this post except for my cat who got a few scolding’s for sitting on my keyboard whilst I was trying to type. If you find anything offensive or in poor taste, nor do you think my sense of humour is entertaining, then maybe you shouldn’t be reading my blog.

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